My pet is growing older how do I cope with pet loss and the inevitable

My pet is growing older. How do I cope with pet loss and the inevitable?

My pet is growing older how do I cope with pet loss and the inevitable

One of the indisputable facts of life that everyone has to come to terms with is that time waits for no one. Yes, time does not wait for you or me or Fluffy. The same thing can be said when it comes to dealing with terminal illness and death. This is always a very sensitive subject as it is very close to the heart. However, as a grieving pet parent, I have come to understand and learn that sharing my own experiences and lessons with grief and loss has helped give comfort and validation to many. I was honored when Hindy reached out to me and asked if I wanted to share my own experience and tips to deal with grief.

Yep. I’m a grieving pet parent too. After suffering with thyroid cancer, my furry best friend Dusty earned her angel wings at the age of 13 ½ years old. It was the hardest experience to live through but I made it. How do I manage? I take it one day at a time. One of the most common questions I encounter since she passed is “My pet is growing older. How do I cope with pet loss and the inevitable?” Can you relate? Do you ask yourself the same question? Well, today I’ll share what I have learned and give you tips that have helped me greatly in the process.

My pet is growing older how do I cope with pet loss and the inevitable

I know death is inevitable. What do I do?

Whether your pet has a terminal illness or just aging gracefully, that time will come when they will get their angel wings. However, just because we understand the science that we as humans will outlive our pets, does not make it any easier to deal with. So, what do you do when you know the inevitable is going to happen? Here are my tips!

  1. Document everything!

Record and snap pictures of all the good days. Take video AND photos of your pets while they are alive and here with you. So, when that day finally comes, these images will serve as ever lasting memories of good days with your pets. Seeing memories of them looking well and vibrant will make all the difference when it comes to reflecting back on your time together.

  1. Spend quality time together.

Knowing you have limited time left means spend every available moment with your furry family member while you can. As I mentioned, time waits for no man, so cherish the minutes while they are here. For example, sitting on the couch watching TV together or sitting in the park on a bench taking in the fresh air, is all you need. It is not what you do together, but rather bonding and just being in each other’s presence that is important. Enjoy each other’s company. You won’t regret it.

  1. Check off that bucket list!

With that quality time, if your pet is able to get around comfortably, there is no better time than the present to accomplish those bucket list items. Has your pet never been to the beach? Get in the car and take a road trip. Never been to a pet friendly hotel? Pack your bags. Did you consider a family photo shoot with your dog using a pet photographer? Book that appointment. Or how about a spa day? Let’s go.

Pamper your pooch with a once in a lifetime memory to make them feel good. Don’t forget your camera or video to capture these moments too!

  1. Consider making final arrangements in advance.

This is awkward and difficult because who really wants to think about this? I can tell you from experience that pre- paying for final expenses in advance did help me a little bit because when you are saying goodbye to your best friend in their last moments, the last thing on your mind is paying an invoice and selecting cremation and urns. So, I encourage any pet parent to consider making final arrangements with your vet or pet crematorium in advance.

Speaking of which, with respects to final arrangements, you do not necessarily have to take your dog to the vet. Depending on your circumstances, you can arrange for in home euthanasia. Some pet parents find this alternative to be much less stressful for all involved. Your furry family member can rest in peace in the comfort of their own home surrounded by loved ones.

This is just another option to consider that you may not have otherwise thought about.

  1. How will I know when to say goodbye?

When the time comes you’ll know. I can’t even explain it, but it’s instinctual. Your pet will give you signs and clues that the quality of life they are living just isn’t what you want for them. 

Honestly, think of the bigger picture. Think of their ability to function day in and day out. Ask yourself, are they able to use the bathroom regularly? Are they drinking and eating? How is their energy level? How is their mood? Think about all the collective factors of quality of life, not just the number of extra days you can get with them. What would you want if you were in their shoes?

And even if you don’t know what to do, you can consult with your veterinarian to help you get clarity to help make that final decision, all factors considered. Essentially, do what is best for the pet. Make them as comfortable as possible. Choose quality of life over quantity of life.

how do I cope with pet loss and the inevitable

When your pet finally gets their wings…

When your pet does finally pass on, you have to adjust to a whole new way of living. You are forced to cope and deal with the realities of life after your furry family member is no longer here.

What have I learned? I can tell you that dealing with grief has many unexpected challenges.

Facing the harsh realities of the real world

  1. Understand that although you were anticipating this to happen, it’s still a shock.
  2. You’ll come to realize that although you knew a lot about grief, there are some things that will surprise you. Here are 12 Things I’d wish I’d known about grief.
  3. Understand there are 5 levels of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You will experience a roller coaster of emotions.

One minute you’ll be cool, calm and collected and the next a blubbering mess. And that’s okay. It’s all part of the process of grieving.

  1. You’ll feel guilt! This one is huge. As a pet parent you continually ask yourself questions like,
  • “Did I do everything I possibly could have to help my pet?”
  • “What if I tried another treatment?”
  • “How could this happen?”
  • “Maybe if I did things differently…”

What you’ll realize is that all the “what ifs” will not bring back your pet. Also, remember that in life we do the best we can with the current knowledge we have at the time, so don’t continue to beat yourself up over your decision. Learn to accept and forgive yourself. 

Your furry family member knows and felt how much you loved them while they were here with you. There is no debating about the love between you both. So, know and understand, our pets are not holding a grudge against us for they are at peace, so you should not beat yourself up either.

  1. Your pets are gone in the physical, but their energy, spirit and love remains with you.

What do I mean? You may disagree, however in my personal experience, I’ve had odd happenings occur after the death of my pet. Some things science cannot explain.

For instance, I’d find myself going to work and feeling cool breezes on my neck for no apparent reason in a heated room. At home, I’d be on my laptop and in the corner of my eye see a fluffy tail around the corner. Or while lying in bed fast asleep, I’d feel the bed mattress sink as if there were paws sinking in mattress springs. These are all happenings I experienced after the death of my pet.

Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar? Just know that you may or may not experience things that science cannot quite explain. I’d like to think that’s our pet’s way of getting our attention and letting us know they are with us in spirit. Love never really dies.

  1. Not everyone will be kind and empathetic.

The bond between a pet and a parent is more than just a human animal bond. Our pets are family to us. And like family, the bond runs deep. They share our most precious moments and memories, secrets and more, so when they pass on its devastating.

Understand, that while you grieve not everyone will be empathetic and sympathize with you. Also, what you may come to realize is that the most insensitive comments and reactions, may come from the people closest to you!

I’d love to tell you everyone will be respectful and empathetic to you, but quite frankly people will say the darndest things. If it sounds unbelievable, then you must read 5 Things NOT to say to a grieving pet parent! You would be shocked at some of things people may say. Often times the comments can be insensitive and heartless, such as “It’s just a dog. You get another right?” Or “He wasn’t going to live forever.” Sounds unfathomable right? I wish I could tell you no one would ever say such things, but it does happen, so brace yourself for the unexpected.

  1. Your daily routine will never be the same.

The passing of your pet means so much more than just somebody out of the house, it also means a life altering change to your daily routine, family dynamic and lifestyle. Realize that you now need to create a new normal for yourself and your family (including other pet siblings).

Understand that you are not the only ones grieving in the household. Our pets grieve too. And just like humans, pets show us their grief in different ways. Death of a pet impacts the whole family, including our other pets, so take that into consideration.

Banding together and being a support system for each other is essential to help start the healing process.

  1. Grief can impact you mentally and physically.

Grief and depression often times go hand in hand, however did you also know that a broken heart can result from such emotional pain? Have you heard of broken heart syndrome? It is a physical condition backed by science, that explains human heartbreak as a result of such loss, like death of a pet, can give us symptoms identical to severe anxiety and a heart attack.

The emotional pain we feel not only impacts our mind and emotions but also transfers to the body in the physical. With this in mind, it’s so important to take care of yourself.

Now, this leads me to a few tips I’ve used to take actionable steps to cope with the grief.

my pet is growing older how do I cope with pet loss

Tips to cope with grief and find healing

  1. Explore all your resources

When you are experiencing pet loss, make no limit to the amount of resources to use. Try everything including watching videos on You Tube, visiting pet loss blogs, searching for online grief support counseling, therapists, talk to friends and family and even journal or pray. Use all your resources to get you through. Here are just a few:

Professional Bereavement Counseling and support

https://aplb.org/

Rainbow Bridge Pet loss & grief support community

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/

Brent Atwater – Pet medium and communicator

https://www.youtube.com/user/BrentAtwater

  1. PLEASE Remember the good times.

See this is where that documentation I mentioned before comes in handy. Re-watch video clips and photos to help remember the good times spent with your pet. One of the most difficult things about coping with grief is replaying the last moments when your pet fell ill and was dying. Change the narrative in your head.

Make the choice to not relive those heart wrenching moments but relive the happy times. Revisit the old photos in your keepsake box. Watch old video clips of your pet running around the yard without a care in the world.

Having these positive memories to reflect on makes a world of difference for your mood and your mind. Instead of crying sad tears, you’ll be crying happy tears because you’ll be reminded of the good quality of life you gave your pet while they were here with you.

  1. Find a way to memorialize and honor your pet.

Find a way to keep the memory of your pet alive. Are you looking for an idea? I’ll share a few ways you can honor the memory of your pet right now.  

  • Are you a fan of jewelry? You can get a custom-made jewelry piece made in your pet’s image such as a pendant necklace or a keychain.
  • Are you into gardening or have a large yard? Consider planting a tree in your pet’s memory.
  • Do you have kids that lost a best furry family member? Get a custom-made plushy toy made in your pet’s image.
  • Do you have tons of photos of your pet? Create a keepsake photo album or keepsake box of photos and trinkets to have on hand.
  • Not the DIY type? How about send a monetary donation to a local pet charity in memory of your pet?

These are just a few options you may want to consider.

  1. Take time to grieve and find a support system.

Take adequate time to grieve and cry. Don’t try to be a super hero and hold all your emotions inside. It’s healthy and normal to cry, get angry and express your emotions when grieving. Truth be told, there is no time limit on grief.

We as bereaved pet parents just learn to live with grief as the days pass. Will it get easier over time? Yes. Will the pain disappear?… Let me ask you this, “Will the love you had for your pet disappear?” No.

Having a support system is so important. Don’t hesitate to speak about your emotions and pain to other family members and other pet parents. Chances are they  have also been in the same situation and can relate to your experience.

Also, explore online communities for support. A great resource for support is this blog, Facebook pet loss support groups or communities like Rainbowbridge.com focused on helping bereaved pet parents find healing. 

  1. Figure out what to do with their belongings and toys.

Whether you want to keep or donate your pet’s belongings is up to you. There are plenty of local shelters always looking for supplies like old towels, toys and blankets, water dishes for homeless pets in need.

Honestly, putting the items away or donating items is helping you to move in a forward direction with the healing process, not erasing their memory.

  1. Remember to take care of you.

Seek out professional help if you have trouble functioning with your day to day routine, feel suicidal or otherwise depressed and overwhelmed to the point that you cannot effectively go about your day.

Be honest with your family or closest friends about your grief. A solid support system is meant to help you work through your grief and give you the tools to do so as well.

Secondly, the physical toll grief has on the body is real. Before I mentioned broken heart syndrome which in some cases can feel like a heart attack. So, it’s important we pay attention to our bodies and consult with our physician if changes occur.

  1. Find positive means of coping.

Exercise

Get out the house and exercise. Fresh air will do you good to help clear your lungs and your head. Walking, even just a casual stroll for 15 minutes, will get your blood moving and endorphins pumping.

Eat healthy

Eat clean and get plenty of water for proper hydration. It’s amazing what healthy fresh foods like greens, fruits and vegetables can do to help stabilize your mood over high sugary foods and junk which gives you a high and then crash after an hour. The better your diet, the more stable your mood will be. This will only help you to be on the track to healing faster.

Try new hobbies

Tap into your creative side. This could mean journaling in a notebook or using adult coloring books or taking a pottery or paint class on your own. Take this time to try new things. Take a day trip to a new place you’ve never been before or buy tickets to a concert to see your favorite artist. Have lunch at a restaurant you’ve been meaning to try and bring a friend.

The point is to consciously take your mind to a positive space and get out of the house and keep moving in a productive capacity.

  1. Live life to the fullest and serve others.

What do I mean by this? Live life as your pet would want you to in order to honor them.

Infuse your life with positivity and joy. Turn your pain into purpose and consider volunteering or fostering too. Do something productive and positive with your time. Get involved in activities that bring you joy but also help others. When you give, you receive a sense of purpose and fulfillment. This is a great way to help cope and find healing in the process.

Remember to have gratitude, even in difficult times like these because although we have pain, experiences such as these only make us so much stronger. Essentially, what you will come to learn is to have gratitude for the love shared, humility in knowing life is short and joy in knowing although your time together was short, you wouldn’t change it for the world. Never take life for granted.

  1. Last but not least, take it one day at a time.

Many ask, “How long before I start to feel normal again?” Honestly, I cannot answer that for you. Only time will tell. Grief has no time limit and everyone is different. Don’t compare your pain to others and also don’t feel the need to rush your healing process.

Everyone deals with grief in their own way, loves in their own way and heals on their own time. I hope sharing these tips and life lessons really resonates with you and helps provide comfort to you when you need it most.

Talking about grief and pet loss is never easy but a topic that impacts all of us at one point or another. Know you are not alone in your pain, I have lived this experience and continue to daily.

With time and these helpful tools, you will learn that you are so much stronger than you realize and that healing doesn’t mean forgetting your furry family member, it means honoring them by making the choice to put one foot in front of the other and move in a forward direction.

Our furry friends lived on this Earth to fill our lives with joy, laughter and love and I’m sure, even on the other side, they would still want that for our lives now and forever.

 

 *****************************************************************

Kamira Gayle Impurrfect LifeKamira Gayle is the creator and author of Impurrfectlife.com a blog dedicated to helping bereaved pet parents find comfort, joy and healing after pet loss through inspiration and art!

 

the love of my life my senior dog Red

Life After Red

the love of my life my senior dog Red

You never know how you’re going to grieve, or what you’ll find the hardest to cope with, until that time when you say goodbye.

I knew Red’s time with me was drawing to a close, and I used to think about what life would be like without her.

Having spent almost every moment of the past 9 years with her (except for when I was on vacation), I couldn’t imagine a life that didn’t include her. She was around 8 when I brought her home, and being blind she did require some extra care. Of course as she got older and her health issues started she became my entire focus, and every day revolved around her.

I also have another dog named Jack, so between his long walks, feeding both (Red multiple times a day), making sure she ate on those days she wasn’t interested, and keeping her comfortable as she snuggled next to me on the couch, my writing was done in the quiet moments in between.

Naturally I knew I would be heartbroken and devastated. I knew I wouldn’t be sorry to see the pee pads off the floor, and I assumed I would be churning out articles like a machine with all the free hours (yes hours!!) I would have.

And then she died…. broken heart

I am heartbroken and devastated, and as predicted I’m thrilled to not see pee pads covering every square inch of my carpet, but the rest of it is a surprise.

I’m lost.

Every day consisted of a routine 100% dedicated to Red’s care, and now I have all the time in the world and I don’t know how to fill it. It’s been almost 2 weeks so I’m slowly starting to write again, and popping into my FB group to my senior dog Red eating a chew stickcomment, lend support, welcome new members, but it’s a struggle.

I’ve lost my muse and the inspiration behind my articles. I feel like a phony, writing about senior dogs and their care when I don’t have one anymore. The experiences are still there, my desire to help is still strong but the passion has faded. I’m sure when I welcome my next old dog into my home it will return, but for now I’m just going through the motions.

The kindness of strangers

The support and genuine outpouring of emotion from fellow bloggers and group members has been overwhelming, and I don’t seem to have the perfect words to express my gratitude. Take note – this is all from people I’ve never met.

Where is the kindness from people I know?

Life After RedRemember when I said you don’t know how you’ll handle things until they happen? I’m experiencing rage, something I never could have predicted. Don’t worry not the dangerous kind where I’ll do something stupid, but a slow simmering disgust and bitterness at every single person I know who has not bothered to say “I’m sorry.”

 

It makes me feel like Red didn’t matter. Boy did she matter.

What’s interesting is, most aren’t people I call friends so I’m surprised I care so much. Having said that they certainly are at the very least acquaintances, people I’ve known for years who I chat with when I see, which is almost daily. So yes I absolutely expect it. Not a word!

I don’t care if they’re uncomfortable, I care even less if their “reason” is because they don’t want to upset me. I lost Red, I couldn’t be more upset. A simple “I’m sorry” is all it takes…but nothing.

Of course death is a very uncomfortable subject and no one knows what to say, but I can’t imagine chatting with someone I know who suffered a loss and pretending nothing happened. I’d feel like crap.   

I’m as uncomfortable as the next, but the first thing I say is “I’m so sorry” and then I say “I know there’s nothing I can say that will help.” It breaks the ice, it eliminates the awkwardness, and most of all I’ve offered some comfort to someone who is grieving.

My two so called friends who I met because they’re neighbours…the silence from them is deafening. Yes they offered condolences when I saw them, but that was it. Yes they both know I like to be alone, but how about a text? my senior dog Red out for a strollNo awkward encounters, just a kind gesture. I intellectually know I matter to them, but that’s nowhere near enough for me to ever have anything to do with them again. They know how much I loved Red, but if that isn’t enough they certainly saw my support for them when they had surgeries. I’m afraid them telling me I can talk to them when I’m ready isn’t enough, not by a long shot.

Do you know two of the people I’m talking about are nurses, one a health care worker? Isn’t their behaviour even more outrageous!

My vet’s office was no better

My vet is amazing, and I know for a fact Red would not have been with me all these years without him. I also know they dropped the ball. I don’t know if Red’s ashes arrived yesterday when I called to find out where she was, or were sitting there a day or two. Ashes come in you call, that’s it.

You send a condolence card within a day or two, and take a minute to make it sound heartfelt.

My previous vet would send a handwritten card, signed by him, the next day. You can’t imagine how much that always meant.

The card I received from this practice would have been okay (barely) for someone they’ve only seen a handful of times…but us! I couldn’t even count the amount of time we spent there and how well they knew both of us, yet not a message from the vet or anything remotely personal.

my senior dog Red and I in El TorcalWhen I picked up Red’s ashes yesterday I brought the card along. I spoke to one of the staff (Helen) who knows me a long time (as they all do) and calmly expressed my opinion about the lack of effort or anything heartfelt. She told me it was their “standard” response, but she also agreed we deserved better. I told her not to bother asking them to send me another because it would have no meaning.

Let me back up a bit.

When I first walked in yesterday Helen gave me such a warm and genuine hug. She loved Red, as they all did, but wasn’t there when it happened, so it was the first time she had seen me. That hug showed me compassion and that Red and I mattered. She told me she had wanted to call the next day, but the staff told her not to because I was too upset.  

I know they were trying to be considerate of my feelings, I just wish they had realised how much her gesture would have meant.  

Am I being too hard on people?

I suppose some may think I am but I don’t care, I will not make excuses for anyone in this situation. Even if the attitude is “she was just a dog” it’s about the person grieving, me in this case and what I need, not about them and how uncomfortable they are.

Is it possible to know what will make someone feel better in this situation? I would say the answer is no, but that doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate knowing you cared enough to offer some form of comfort. How about a card slipped through the mailbox? Some flowers left on a doorstep? A text letting them know you’re thinking about them?   

A lesson to be learned

I now know the greatest lesson Red was here to teach us is compassion.

Not just by people seeing the worth of a senior dog, how much joy she brought me, or the way I cared for her. I my senior dog Red in Spainnow clearly see it will be to teach people to reach out to anyone who is grieving. I don’t suggest knocking on peoples’ doors, goodness knows I wouldn’t answer, but offer your condolences. It won’t take away their pain, but I can assure you they won’t be any more upset by it then they already are. What it will do is show them who they lost mattered in this world, and so do they.

My final words

No amount of comfort can mend my heart, but boy do the messages of support make me feel like Red and I matter.

I can’t imagine ever looking at any of those people with anything other than the disgust I currently feel and I’m okay with that, although it makes me sad to be in that position.

Thank you Red for teaching all of us a very important and painful lesson about compassion.

You did good in this world!

Red in her stroller in Spain

Saying Goodbye to My Sweet Girl Red

Red enjoying the sun in Spain

One week ago today, on May 18, 2018 at just after 11:00am UK time, I said goodbye to my sweet girl Red.

This is not easy for me to write, especially because I never discuss my feelings, but it’s spilling out of me and I can’t stop it.

What inspired me? While there have been some lovely condolences expressed by my incredible Facebook group members, one I saw this morning really hit me and the words started flowing.

Saying Goodbye to my Sweet Girl Red

Her name is Paula Busch (Paula I hope you don’t mind me mentioning you), and even though she has said goodbye to her much loved dog Ramsey she still stays in the group to help. There was something about the way she asked how I was doing that opened the floodgates…so rather than just replying “fine thank you” I realised this post needed to be written, and for people to know the impact Red had on my life and others.

How am I doing? Not well. I’m heartbroken, I hear Red coming down the hallway and pushing against the hallway door to come and see me. I find myself just about to tell my husband to not bang the door because Red is sleeping, and I’m still surprised when I don’t see her bed on the floor next to mine.

I’m having a very hard time checking in with the group at the moment, but I’m forcing myself to offer a bit of advice when I can. You’ve all done such a great job of keeping things going the past week, I’m so grateful, but I also feel responsible for things as well.

I managed to write a couple of articles, but that’s only because they were mostly written and just needed “tweaking” but I’ve lost my enthusiasm for my much loved website.

I’ve lost my muse and feel like a phony both with my website and my group. Yes the years of experience I have caring for senior dogs is with me, but I feel like “who am I” when I don’t share my life with an old dog at the moment. Jack isn’t at the “senior” category yet!

Sightseeing with her dad and brother

In the past when I was living in Florida and lost one of my “oldies” I would go back to the shelter where I volunteered and bring home another one. Although I’m no longer there, sadly there is no shortage of old dogs that need homes, yet I can’t offer mine just yet.

I loved Red more than words can ever express, yet I would be lying and deceiving you by saying it was all a bed of roses and nothing but a love fest. For most of the 9 years we spent together it was, but when I realised she had dementia 2 ½ years ago, that’s when the really challenging and stressful times began. When her dementia progressed and her selegeline was no longer helping like it had been (that was about a year ago), the stress was pretty much constant.

She was blind when I adopted her, obese with a heart murmur, and over the years she developed many health issues but they were all managed thanks to my wonderful vet Lubo. It was the dementia, and more recently the chronic pancreatitis that make things extremely difficult at times.

I had no problem making her the centre of my universe, and having my life revolve around her. I adopt old dogs and with that comes the responsibility, and of course the joy of caring for them…whatever that means.

The financial strain was enormous as well. She was on a lot of medication, and some of it was crazy expensive even buying online.

The worry she might have another seizure, the panic she would need emergency care in the middle of the night with no hospital near me and no car to travel, and the dread when she needed a vet and mine was not working that day absolutely took its toll.

I still feel the same worry and stress, I guess they’re residual!

Snoozing with her foster puppy

I have been able to take the pee pads off the floor and now I walk into my home and I see just carpet…a high price to pay. I admit I’d rather see pee pads than a stain on my carpet, but they were always messy and made me feel disorganised.

I knew the day was coming when I would have to say goodbye, and I was sure it would end up being a quality of life decision because of dementia. The type of decision I’ve only had to make once before and haunted me for months. Did I wait too long? Should I have waited a bit longer? Every day in the last few months I would think about it. Red was never in pain and I always knew as much as she had my heart, I would never allow her to linger because I didn’t want it broken.

I prayed for a bad test result one day, because then I knew my decision would be “easier” to make. There it is, black and white, nothing else to be done and then last Thursday I got that bad test result. I was shocked, devastated and relieved knowing it was pretty much made for me. I could have said goodbye that day but I would have felt like I rushed something, and that kind of decision can tear you up inside and haunt you if you aren’t sure.

When I took her home and she didn’t eat I made the call for the next day. Did she eat later? Of course she did. Did she eat that Friday morning? Of course she did. I brought her to the vet anyway and we had a conversation.

I could have waited a few days but why? I couldn’t reverse the test result, she was still so skinny and barely eating, how would postponing my heartbreak help her?

First place in the dog show

I have devoted the last 9 years of my life to caring for and loving her. Did she stop me from taking vacations? Not when my pet sitter was around. Did we take lots of day trips together? Absolutely. Was she a very well traveled dog? You bet. She came from Florida, flew for a couple of short visits with me to Toronto, and made quite a few trips between our places in Florida and England. Did she bring me incredible joy? No question about it, and now I am paying for it with incredible sadness.

It is because of her I started my website, and because of my experiences with her and those who came before her, I created my group as a way to help others who may not have the support and access to information they need.

In the aftermath

I’m lost. I always thought when I didn’t have Red to care for, all the extra hours would be spent writing even more articles and helping even more. Sadly I now have all those extra hours, but I struggle to have the strength to fill them. I wander aimlessly, turn the tv on during the day (something I never, ever, ever do until the evening) and get through the day.

I’m hurt. I understand it’s probably a generational thing, public displays of emotion, every thought bared on social media, and condolences offered. Okay but don’t I deserve more from a family member who did nothing more than respond to my notice with a sad emoji?

enjoying a walk in the park

My 2 “friends” who like to tell me how important I am and that we’re like the 3 musketeers have disgusted me. One of them replied to that same notice on FB with a “so sorry babe you were a great mum” but how about a private message? She knows I turn inwards in grief, but how about a text to tell me she’s thinking of me or here for me? She’s my neighbour so I see her around, and she knows I don’t want to talk about but how about some flowers?

When she had surgery or broke her nose in a fall recently, how many times did I check on her?

My other “friend” was away for 10 days, but news travels fast where I live so I assume she knows, certainly the first friend I mentioned would have told her. Let’s say she didn’t know – she’s been home 4 days and no text to say hello. If she did know it’s even more upsetting. When her mother died did I not express my condolences to her right away? When she had surgery recently was I not checking on her every day, asking her husband how she was doing? Did I not prepare a basket for her so she wouldn’t be bored during the day?

I have been called self-absorbed and I agree to a certain extent that is true. I’m not always the most thoughtful person, but I certainly have been to them.

Nothing can excuse what they’ve done, or haven’t done, and although I may be friendly when I see them, our coffee mornings and get togethers are over since I can never ever see them in the same light. As comfortable as a topic this is for all of us, there is no excuse for not even sending a simple “so sorry thinking of you” text.

Snoozing with her foster puppy

My plan

I’m slowly starting to get back to my website and my writing, and I will do my best to spend more time in the group.

Today has been a really bad day, I’ve been crying most of the morning, even during my acupuncture session!! It’s expected of course, but Red’s ashes will be back with me soon enough and I will take hers and Saffy’s and put them in a memorial urn necklace I have, to carry them with me always.

I will adopt another senior dog, quite possibly from Serbia. My husband and I would like to go away January and February (if we can figure out what to do with Jack) so ideally it wouldn’t be until March. Having said that there’s no way I can wait that long to care for someone else that needs me. We’re going away in 2 weeks for a few days and perhaps I’ll foster some kittens that need to be bottle fed.

I wasn’t blessed with this level of compassion and not always have an outlet in which to express it.

I have no idea if this made sense or not but I wanted this to be straight from the heart as the words flowed.

 

I love you Red more than words can ever express. My heart is broken, I know in time it will mend, but I will never forget you and the joy you brought to my life, and by extension the good you did in this world.